It’s hard to admit but today was the most emo day I have ever had.
Nobody could understand this cuz I cant tell what happened.
I cant tell u anything except that it was terribly dreadful & that it was related to my parents..
1st, it made me stay in bed for the rest of the day, thinking if I should give a certain someone a call for a certain confession n comfort session.
I needed a listener. Desperately.
Aside from my guy, Suicide was the other.
I smsed him, he din respond. I smsed again, he replied late.
I felt worse; it was obvious that was not the listener I acquired.
Next, I started typing the sms to my ex but halfway I hesitated n deleted the sms.
Still lying on my bed, without my fan or aircon on.
In my head, I was just thinking, whether if I should vanish from this world.
I stayed in that position for hours, not moving a single muscle.
Later in the evening, I hear the front door shut.
Obvious that my parents left for something, I stepped down my bed, not knowing what to do.
My head was blank.
Next I hear my cell ringing. I picked it up. It was my guy.
I burst into tears. 1st telling him what really happened & next bout him and the urgency.
It was hours after the last sms he sent me only he called.
I was near suicide and all he could say on his sms was “if I leave the house now, it would make matters worse”
I can never forget those words.
That was the worst time I cried since secondary school.
I was tossing things in my room, n screaming on the phone with tears rolling down non-stop.
But I guess it all shouldn’t matter, since what has happened HAS happened.
It just shows how much I am to him.
We had to hang up soon after since he said he needed to rush for work.
I was devastated. I din know what to do again.
I was more of in a daze this time than angry or upset.
I decided later, to cut off everything from anyone that day.
I did. I turned off my cell on purpose for the whole evening & night for the 1st time in my life.
I had my room door closed. My table cleared and my computer shifted in from the hall.
I still felt dreadful.
All my guys were the same; they were shitty when it comes to girlfriends.
They couldn’t give me the comfort and security I wanted.
They get tired easily & give up.
They tell u they will always be there for u but when shit happens, they are not there to even hear your words out.
They JUST have no sense of urgency.
Later in the evening, I was expected for a dinner with family & their assistant coaches.
They were people I had fun growing up with & were also people that I had long missed.
So, I enjoyed myself at the dinner, listening to these jokers make lame jokes & also tell stories or their lives.
I was worth opening up for that dinner.
But later when I reached home, I was quiet & alone again.
I stayed in my room & faced my computer, not going online to chat with anyone.
My cell was still off.
I dared not turn it on, scared that he’d call at the same time & also fearing that I would go all soft hearted on the smses and miss calls I get.
I din want to.
Many times I reached to take my cell but later the thought stopped me.
So, I left it off for the rest of the night.
